Ghosting

I was sitting in the waiting room when a young friend came out from seeing the doctor and took a chair next to me so we could catch up a bit before my name was called. Her presence was a welcomed relief and a good deterrent for one waiting to see a physician. In the course of the conversation, I asked about her sister and her love interest. “He’s ghosted her,” was my friend’s casual response. 

Ghosted. It’s one of those relatively new colloquial terms that refers to being abruptly cut off from someone without having been given any warning. Even when the one ghosted tries to reach out to re-initiate or just try to gain some closure, silence is all one gets. (There is also a “soft ghosting” which is where one person gradually reduces his or her level of communication where there is only minimal contact left.) 

Delving into the word a bit further, I learned that being ghosted “can have a profound impact on a person’s mental health, leading to feelings of depression, anxiety and deflated self-esteem.” Well, of course, it can! Who likes to feel rejected or betrayed? Ghosting actually lights up the same brain pain receptors that cause physical pain. And whether the one being ghosted knows why he or she is being ghosted, the pain is still the same. 

And yet the statement was so nonchalant and rolled off the tongue so easily: “He’s ghosted her.” But it wasn’t the first time I had head the word; and I’m sure it won’t be the last. (Believe it or not, there’s a word that’s supposedly even more painful than ghosting. It’s called “quiet dumping.”)

But words just keep coming. “Breadcrumbing” is the new ghosting and a bit sneakier. It’s what one does to keep the other hanging on by a thread. Lord, help us. 

And there’s not enough time or space here to talk about “gaslighting,” another more recent term on the dating market which is nothing short of psychological manipulation. Or witchcraft, if we really want to call it what it is.

Of course, none of these are limited to the dating scene which does tout a 67% ghosting rate. CNBC reports that in 2023 about 78% of job seekers said they’d ghosted a prospective employer. Really? These are grown ups, for crying out loud. Not children in a school yard.

What it is with these new words on the market that are being thrown around as if it’s now the norm? Have the actions always been evident and we’re just now labeling them? Ghosting. Gas lighting. Breadcrumbing. Some seem to think that these things are more prevalent due to the stress of the culture in which we now live … are we ever going to stop blaming things on the pandemic … and that give us an “easy out” from difficult circumstances and relationships. A “get out of jail free” card, if you will, with no scrapes, bruises or burns. 

But seriously, has kindness been replaced with rudeness? Courtesy with cruelty and thoughtlessness? Respect with dishonor and indifference? Have we lost what it means to look into the eyes of another and see the image of God? To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that person is deeply loved by the Father?

What IS the answer to all this Ghosting and Gaslighting and Breadcrumbing … and whatever the next new word will be? I don’t know. But I have a gut feeling it just might begin with my surrendering my own ego to Perfect Love.

He has told you, O man, what is good:

    And what does the LORD require of you

But to do justice, and to love kindness,

    And to walk humbly with your God.

                                                Micah 6:8 (ESV)

O Lord, let it be.

Just an ordinary moment…

The Place of Tension

He was between songs when I approached his tent Saturday morning at the local farmer’s market. “Good morning,” I said. “Good morning, Nancy. Happy Easter!” Because I knew he is a retired pastor, I responded, “I try to refrain from ‘Happy Easter’ on this Holy Saturday.” He looked at me quizzically. I went on, “It’s important to me that I don’t rush through these days prior to the resurrection. Especially today.” As a way of physical expression, I raised my upturned palms and moved them back and forth a bit as if balancing something heavy or weighty. “It’s important I hold the tension between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.” He nodded slowly as if an understanding was breaking in. “Tension,” he said. “I like that. What did you call it again?” “Holy Saturday,” I said. 

Tension. It’s something we all live with, not just on Holy Saturday, which, by the way, is a day the church through the ages really hasn’t known what to do with. (Sadly I recently read where it was actually called Easter Buy Day.)

Let me give you a few examples of tension with which we are all familiar.

Spring’s attempt to pry winter’s bony fingers from its clutch. The weather has been beautifully warm these last days. But a violent storm moves through, bringing with it destruction and a return to cooler air. Buds are blown and lay scattered on the ground; yet the soil holds the warmth of the last few days. Can you sense the tension of one season trying to gain hold on another? Back and forth it goes until one wins.

Each morning the light slowly breaks upon the dark; and in the evening, the reverse occurs. Steady moments of mysteriously veiled tension. Sooner or later, one always gives. 

One of my more favorite moments of tension is that juncture when the tide changes. When for just a nanosecond, it stands still in order to make its reversal. I am curious as to what happens at that moment of change. How does that moment happen? Oh, the mind of God. Who can know it? 

In music, a suspended chord that does not resolve allowing tension to hang in the air. It goes unnoticed by no one; not even the most musically illiterate. What does one do with that except to sit with it … and hold the tension.

And the Scriptures themselves bear witness to tension. 

A God who becomes a man.

A King who rides a donkey.

When I am weak, I am strong.

In losing my life, I find it.

And on an even more intense level: what about the cross of Christ itself? Two poles cut from living trees. One vertical and the other laying horizontally on top held by a dynamic display of … tension. A literal example of the true force being played out upon it. A Savior being executed.

And we have come full circle. To Holy Saturday. A day of just sitting with something we don’t know what to do with. The day between the death of Christ and His glorious resurrection. The constant push and pull between great sorrow and exuberant joy. But is this not our constant reality in most any given day or week? We hold joy and grief in the same moment. We love and yet hate. We forgive while still feeling the pain of betrayal. We live in the light and the dark. We experience faith and the lack of. All at the same time. And if we have ever sat at the death bed of a loved one, we know that sacred tension of the here and the there. Of the staying and the going. The push and pull and push again that is common to all mankind.

So what do we do with these things? For sure we can’t deny they don’t exist. To do so would deny our very own existence. What is the answer? May I suggest we learn to live with the tension; to hold those opposing forces and allow them to become creative, life-giving, liberating factors for us. After all, the two opposing forces are not really mutually antagonistic. It’s just the opposite. In fact, from a pianist’s point of view, it’s the tension of the strings that makes the music. My job is to keep them tuned to the proper Pitch.

What sacred tension might you be holding? Are your strings tuned in such a way that they sing?